Flava is down to the final 14 . . . uh . . . ladies and the whole house is still reeling from the Somethin’ incident. For those of you who missed last week, let’s just describe it as Somethin’ left a little surprise for Flav on the floor during the elimination ceremony. And then continued to surprise him all the way up the stairs. By surprise, yes, I do mean that same sort of surprise a naughty puppy would leave . . . truly a new low in American culture or a new high in reality television, depending on how you look at it.
So, a new day dawns in the Flavor of Love household and the girls are busy taking showers, combing their hair, practicing putting their legs behind their heads when Flav awakes to find Somethin’s clock in front of his bedroom door. He tracks her down in the shower and says ‘What’s up, baby? You thinking of leaving?” Somethin’, who was not embarrassed to defecate on television so certainly isn’t embarrassed to talk to Flav while she’s in the shower, says she doesn’t know if he wants her to stay. Flav tells her that, despite the jokes he may make, she’s cool with him. Somethin’ looks happy about this and strangely manic without any makeup on.
The girls then adjourn to the poolside where Big Rick gives them their first Flavogram. Spunkeey (the one who’s all hyperactive around Flav but extremely snooty with the other women) immediately snatches it up to read to the other women as she believes that it was providence that led her to read the first Flavogram. The women learn that Flav will be speed dating them today and then he’ll pick the three he’s feeling the most for extended dates. Big Rick then presents them with a menu containing fourteen items and says they must each select the one they think Flav will like the best. Needless to say, a lot of shouting ensues with a few choice names being flung (bitch and ho being the Flavor of Love classics) until all the girls have made their choice of dishes.
Next, we’re taken to a fancy restaurant where the girls are waiting and Flav is blindfolded by Big Rick. Apparently, Flav wants to get to know them on a deeper level, hence the blindfold. I, of course, am not buying it and think this is a kooky stunt aimed at looking sincere dreamt up by some producer who began to wonder if he would burn in heck for showing a woman defecating on the floor on television. Anywho, Flav begins the speed dating and quickly reveals that pretty much all of the ‘fancy’ food that the ladies picked is not to his liking. He particularly dislikes the foie gras and the escargot. However, the montage of dates shows us some interesting standouts: Tyger tastes the foie gras for him and Flav likes that she’s watching out for her man; Like Dat (the BBW lady from the ghetto who talks exclusively in rhyme or slang) chants a long, fast spell, which I cannot confirm was in English, but that seems to mesmerize Flav; Buckwild (the young white lady with a penchant for men’s hats and shall-we-say ethnic speech patterns) shakes up a bottle of champagne and sprays Flav with it; Nibblez (she of the lip jewelry and Mike Tyson-esque lisp) gives Flav an impromptu lap dance and invites him to feel her butt, which she claims to be the softest butt in America; and Wire (the white blonde hippie chick/astrology junkie) sings Flav over to her table but fails to impress Flav with her vocal stylings. Quite a whirlwind, for both Flav and us, the audience.
Flav makes his selections for the extended date, but first reveals that he doesn’t care much for the fancy food this restaurant serves. So he whips out a bucket of KFC fried chicken and says “This is how we roll,” which makes the girls hoot and holler. While munching on a breast of fried chicken (it appeared to be original recipe, but I cannot confirm), Flav makes his selections for the extended date and finds out who he’s chosen: Tyger, Like Dat and Buckwild. Flav expresses his shock at finding out Buckwild was a white girl. Buckwild is very excited and asks for a piece of chicken.
Fast forward to the next day and Flav has decided to take the women to Venice, CA for a gondola ride because he’s romantic. However he cannot master the word gondola and calls it a gondolier (which is the name for the driver, not the vehicle). He puts two ladies in one boat and takes off in a second with the third. Buckwild is up first and her Flav have an easy, ebonics laced conversation about how much they’re feeling each other. They drink some champagne and (this is the part that makes my ol’ stomach a bit queasy) kiss a little bit. Then it’s time for Like Dat’s date. She settles into the gondola and is lovingly stroking Flav’s arm as they begin to discuss his fondness for her. She is overwhelmed by the romantic outing Flav has planned and says that she’s never been taken anywhere this nice. He tells her that ‘any man who lucky enough to be perceiving her should be good to her.’ They, too, kiss a little (and I begin to floss violently trying to rid my mouth of any nastiness it may have picked up by watching women kiss Flav). Then it’s time for Tyger’s date. By the way Flav’s talking about Tyger, I get the sense he’s feeling her the most (and who wouldn’t? She’s one of the best looking girls and already told Flav that she’s not a ho who will claim to love him when she hardly knows him). They cuddle a little bit and then the gondolier tells them that it’s a tradition to kiss under the bridge, so Flav leans in for some lip action but Tyger pulls away. Flav, apparently flabbergasted that a lovely young woman wouldn’t want to suck on his grills, asks her what’s wrong and she says she doesn’t like kissing him after other women. Flav’s not buying it and says that she might not be feeling him as much as she says she is.
Meanwhile, back in the Flav-less gondola, Buckwild and Like Dat have started chatting. Like Dat says she’s never been to Venice, never really been anywhere, except Rancho Cucumongo (sp?) and Buckwild hoots and says that Rancho Cucumongo is her ‘hood. Like Dat rolls her eyes and we switch to her confessional where she says that Rancho Cucumongo is not the ghetto and she doesn’t understand why Buckwild acts like she does if that’s where she comes from. Like Dat then informs us that ghetto is as ghetto does, but you can’t fake it and that Buckwild’s persona could get her hurt in some places. The whole thing bothers Like Dat because she takes it as a sign that Buckwild is not genuine in her attentions towards Flav.
Back at the house, the girls not on the date have partaken in a booty shaking contest (which revealed that Toastee can put her legs behind her head and someone (Beautuful, I think) can individually wiggle each of her butt cheeks) and a truth or dare contest (which sent a nekkid Krazy into the pool and had Nibblez kiss Buckeey’s bare behind). Flav meets up with everyone to tell them that he needs some more one on one time before he makes tonight’s elimination. So they all change clothes and then meet him outside on that white couch for a little one on one. There’s a lot of ‘Flav, I love you,” kissing (barf) and cuddling with only three interesting developments. First, Toastee comes out toasted and Flav asks her what she thinks of the other girls. Toastee says that they’re alright, but some of the girls are here to be on TV and she’s heard them talking about auditioning to be on the Real World. Flav asks who and Toastee slurs that Spunkeey auditioned for the Real World. Flav is not happy with this information. Next, Spunkeey comes out and talks about wanting to chase Flav and tickle him and tells him that he’s got more vibrations then a vibrator. Flav tells us in the confessional that he’s not really getting her and it seems fake how she’s always dancing around in front of him. Finally, while he’s cuddling up with Buckeey, Wire comes out to the couch alone and looking a bit like Ann Heche when they found her in the desert. Flav tells her to wait her turn and she wanders off into the house where she starts playing the piano near the open door very badly. Flav yells for someone to shut the door and says that Wire is being very rude. When it’s finally time for Wire’s date, she spends her time telling Flav how she got her hair done and now it feels like silk. If you weren’t already doubting the wisdom of a white woman bragging to a black man about how her hair feels like silk, we soon cut to Wire up in the bedroom with other girls, one of whom asks her if she wants to have Flav’s babies. She answers, oblivious to everything and everyone around her, that she wants to have dark babies. The black girls in the room find this unbelievable and, as soon as she’s out of the room, suggest that she just go down to the corner find a crack head if all she’s concerned about is having black babies. Buckwild (who believes herself to be a black baby) gets the quip of the night when she says that Wire wants to have black babies because if she had them with a white guy they would be invisible.
So finally it’s elimination time and Flav sets it up so that the four who are left at the end with only two clocks left to be given are the four who we’ve doubted this episode: Somethin’ (who, despite Flav’s promises that they were cool, did poop on his floor after all), Wire (who was rude during the one on one time and has shown herself to be a complete and utter airhead), Spunkeey (who Toastee raised concerns about and made that super strange vibrator comment to Flav) and Tyger (who wouldn’t kiss Flav during their date but was more than eager to kiss him during the one on one right before elimination). Spunkeey and Wire: your time is up. Wire takes it very well and leaves with a modicum of dignity whereas Spunkeey is all crying and bluthering to Flav saying how she was there for the right reasons and she doesn’t want to go home.
Tune in next week, when Like Dat confronts Buckwild about her race confusion and Somethin’ and Buckeey appear to get into a screaming fight in one of the bedrooms.
***Editorial note from curlio:
WE WILL NOT BE LINKING TO ANY OF THE NUDE PHOTOS NOR TO ANY WEBSITE WITH THE NUDE PICTURES. STOP ASKING.
Great recap Nikki!!!!! You and I may be the only one watching this. It is sort of like a car wreck, you want to look away, but you can't! It is undeniably one of the funniest hours on TV. Why is it so fun to watch women make absolute fools out of themselves?
If you can't be a good example, then be a horrible warning!
I'm not sure why it's become my guilty pleasure but it has, so someone please explain Payshintz sudden lapse into fluent Chinese, Glad she decided to leave.
Flava is down to the final 14 . . . uh . . . ladies and the whole house is still reeling from the Somethin’ incident. For those of you who missed last week, let’s just describe it as Somethin’ left a little surprise for Flav on the floor during the elimination ceremony. And then continued to surprise him all the way up the stairs. By surprise, yes, I do mean that same sort of surprise a naughty puppy would leave . . . truly a new low in American culture or a new high in reality television, depending on how you look at it.
